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Hey, I know you're all tired of my ranting but this is quite relevant to the content I post so here it goes:
I know I haven't posted anything new or good in a few months, the reason behind that is artblock and demotivation.
As the semester goes on I keep realizing I need to put my shit together and finally decide my career.
Sadly, since every university I have in mind only offers 3D animation I've decided not to choose animation. Modeling is just not my thing, long live 2D animation. My father insists on Computer Enginering so I guess I'll take it.
And now, as I finished my most recent piece (a portrait of a friend), I realized I didn't like drawing anymore.
Everything feels forced, nothing I draw is of my liking. I have many ideas but no way to put them on paper (or well, digital canvas).
And this is the phase of my life when I have to decide; is art still worth it? Am I growing out of that dream that stupid 10 year old kiddo had of making their own cartoon on the internet? Do I wanna keep drawing?
It's hard, it's not depression by the way. I know I have the skills, I'm getting better, but I just don't enjoy it anymore.
It's been 2 years
I need my cat game.
(No but seriously, Edmund McMillen is just receiving a lot of money from me, in no time I'll buy every single game that's on sale that he's developed or well, helped develop.)
Hey guys, sorry for all the vent posts.
Some days ago, I broke up a total of 7 meaningful friendships.
It's been very quiet, but thankfully it's been also quiet in my head. A kid appeared and he seems to be different from Hat and Eli. He just stares and it makes me uneasy. I HATE children.
But since I broke those friendships he's left me alone. He pressured me into doing it. I could just feel him judging me when I talked with them. I couldn't handle the pressure, so I made my friends back off.
It feels lonely, it breaks my heart. But at least he's not bothering me for now.
I'm not sure what I'm doing.
I regret making it out of the hospital.
2016-01-27 02:36:25 by AlixBalica
- Drink 14 cups of coffee in one sitting
- Contemplate dropping out to sell chewing gum at avenues
- Fill yourself with determination 'cause you really wanna study animation
- Listen to Ruoska, System of a Down, Serj Tankian, Parov Stellar, Buckethead and Ska-P on full volume
(Sidenote: I'm not okay, send help.)
Hey guys, how's it going? Is the new year treating you well?
Meh, I gotta admit it's been rough here.
The night after Christmas I was caught trying to overdose again so I was taken to a hospital (a real shitty one).
Y'see, that night at the hospital REALLY fucked me up, I didn't know it was legal for a hospital to treat their patients so poorly (Then again, this is Mexico. All patients were in a single room, some of us were laying on the floor 'cause there weren't enough beds for everyone.)
Hat n' Eli were just staring while I really, REALLY wished I didn't make it. They were upset when the nurses handled me 'cause they had no fucking chill. They were injecting me like I was some fucking christmas turkey and looking at me all disgusted.
Those fucking bitches were talking shit when they thought I was asleep. Hope they didn't get paid at all.
All that experience made me realize I'm not really worth shit, n' that I'm practically unwanted.
But so what? Donald Trump is also unwanted yet he's still smiling and spewing shit on national TV.
So I decided I shouldn't give a shit anymore. Time to stop being Mr. Selfless guy.
If ya gonna treat me like shit, you will have a bad time, son.
My exgirlfriend and I had one last conversation, clearing up what happened and just, accepting our thing was unrescuable.
She admitted I did much harm to her, and she's glad I feel remorse, but little does she know is that I've felt remorse since day 1. We hoped the best, we said goodbye and that's it.
I felt like a dagger that's been impaled in my chest suddenly dissapeared. Hatty suddenly left but not before giving me this strange look of relief. I'm not sure if I want him out of my life just yet, he helped me through my breakup and I just can't let him go like that.
This is clearly something I needed to do, I needed to apologize, to make things clear. Now I feel that weight being lifted and I can finally move on.
But still, the wish of death persists. But that's another story for later on.
Hey, guess who?
After attempting suicide and rushing to the hospital, I thought about a couple of stuff:
What'll happen to my grandma after she finds out? She has a heart disease, so that kind of news would kill her.
What'll happen to all my friends who are also suicidal and/or depressed? Is it worth it giving them this image of me? Is it worth it giving them the thought of joining me?
What'll happen to my cats? I am the only one that cares for them; I love them and they love me back.
What'll happen to my teachers? Those who never gave up on me, they will think I gave up on them. And those who gave me a bad grade because they had to will feel bad because they will think a bad grade was my reason to kill myself.
What'll happen to my classmates? Who will make them smiles? Who will help them pass or explain to them how a computer works or what happened in 1917?
What'll happen to my datemate? Do I really want to leave them alone for good after all the stuff they've gone through? Do I really want to scar them for life? Don't I love them? Then why leave them?
Yahweh, Eli and Hatty all were crying, lamenting themselves in terror as I felt my head light, soon to pass out. They all said they were sorry, they didn't want this. They didn't think I would do it.
When I woke up I didn't think nothing at all. Everything was silent except for the several machines in the room (I mean, we are all in a big room.). For the first time in months the voices weren't there, Hatty and Eli weren't there staring at me either.
Not even Yahweh tried to take over my body.
Everything after felt like a dream, I didn't eat at all as far as I remember...
No one at school didn't really notice I was at the hospital, so it was a relief.
And since my father refuses to take me to a psychologist after all this mess, I decided to speak with the school counselor (whatever it's written like).
I had to admit everything, the scars couldn't be hidden anymore and the tears couldn't be held back.
But yet, in that hour and a half I recovered my hope.
Just in time for my birthday, I guess.
Everything went okay, my classmates sang Happy Birthday to me at least 5 times, they gave me a small cake, the teachers all let me have a rest in class, my father got me a huge teddy bear and a fancy dinner at a restaurant at the top of Mexico City's World Trade Center. Probably his way to say sorry.
And, well I learned after that experience that
Maybe I'm suicidal because I can't let go of the past; abuse from my mother, abuse from my brother and father, bullying, loss of a few loved ones, poverty, lack of help when growing up...
It just happened, yet I can't let go. According to the psychologist, it's destroying me inside out and to get better, I need to let go.
And maybe let go of those toxic relationships, cut boundaries with those who only cause or want to cause harm to me...
I don't know what will happen next, but now I know I shouldn't care about what happened yesterday and don't think about tomorrow too much; I'm living in the present.
Hey guys, it's been quite a long time since I last posted something here.
You see, I kind of need to vent, let a few strangers listen to me and decide if it's worth keep going or not.
First of all, I might drop out of highschool and since Mexico is an unforgiving country, I can say I already failed in life.
Then, today I decided to breakup with my partner (Well, were made to do so by my hallucinations).
Let's add a few illnesses, night terrors, an alternative personality and many familiar problems to the stew of bullshit and we will have suicidal tendencies.
If you have stalked my personal blog on Tumblr a bit, you will probably know suicide has been an option many times through my life (The latest attempt 2 months ago). And trust me, right now it seems like a good idea after ruining what little chance I had to be happy with someone I've been in love with for 2 years.
I could say I'm not familiar with happiness, pretty much I haven't smiled wholeheartedly since I finished Elementary School. It's kind of normal of me to accept prematurely that I won't do much in life, and that will be my damnation.
Without anything else to rant about, I might leave the Internet before deciding between death and life in this battle against my own body and my own mind.
Hope you have a great day. Remember you matter, someone cares, and you will always be loved.
Hey guys, how's it going?
You see, recently today my squad and I had a very heated argument, we asked people around the world, our families, neighbors and passerbys but these answers are just too little.
So I want you guys to tell me:
ARE PICKLES AND VINEGAR SOUR OR BITTER?